Jan Moir, look away now.

In some senses, folks, this is a very dark day. What I'm about to say now goes further than any of the controversial theories or connections I have ever dared to make before.

Brace yourselves...

Boyzone's new single "Gave It All Away" is, in a very real sense, "alright".

I would post the video but thanks to an "embedding disabled by request" sticker I can't. Plus, for reasons which would become obvious to anyone who watched it. It would compromise the impartiality of this review.

In a number of senses, this is actually the most interesting thing Boyzone have ever released. On first listen, it would appear to be pitched at fairly safe territory. Yes, it's another middle of the road ballad which features Ronan emoting the lyrics rather than singing them. Delve deeper, however, and you'll find a hidden layer which actually renders the whole thing very listenable. To put it another way...

THERE'S A RUDDY REGGAE BIT!

I mean, 15 years ago, could you ever in your wildest dreams have actually have imagined something that Ronan Keating attached his name to would have featured a reggae bit?! These, my friends, are truly uncharted territories.

In fact, so listenable is this latest Boyzone song, that I'm prepared to do something so radical, so crazy, so unbelievably shocking that readers of a sensitive disposition should probably just stop reading now.


...

I'm actually going to state that Boyzone's "Gave It All Away" should be a UK number 1.

I know, I know, I'm scared too. And don't think for one second that this endorsement means that I've forgiven Ronan Keating for this dreck. Basically, the issue boils down to this: "You Needed Me" is, at the very least, one of the top fifty worst songs and vocal performances in the history of popular music. In 1999 (which, were it not for Britney Spears' "Baby One More Time" would have been a real annis horribilis), this inexplicably reached the number one spot. Therefore, unless the world's karmic balance has actually got so far out of alignment that all morality is now utterly pointless, surely a Boyzone song released in 2010 after the death of one of the band members which has a RUDDY REGGAE BIT IN IT deserves at least equal if not greater credence?

It's moments like this that I probably feel I'm judging Tinie Tempah too harshly. After all, he's preventing the horrible possibility of Ronan Keating having another number one hit becoming a horrifying reality.

On the other, "Pass Out" literally has no reggae bit. Game, set, match: Keating.

These are dark days indeed in the world of pop, readers.