"Not Myself Tonight" is NOT "Dirrty"

Christina Aguilera has unveiled her new single, called "Not Myself Tonight" which you can listen to here (perhaps at some point the record company will deign to permit video embedding and, you know, diffuse the PROMOTIONAL video across the fragmented media consumed by its contemporary target audience...)

A few preliminary observations:

Firstly, Xtina could do with tipping her hat to Timbaland for inspiring the beats which underpin the song. Observant listeners will note they're almost exactly the same as in SexyBack.

Secondly, it doesn't have the immediacy (or the daring attitude) of something like Dirrty. It takes a few listens but there is undoubtedly some great stuff here (especially the "Tonight I'm not the same girl" shouty refrain). It has to be said, though, that if this is the start of a campaign which seeks to reinvent Christina, it doesn't quite do the job given that it seems to borrow production tricks which worked two years ago but which have become a little de rigeur now. On the other hand, it's a song which has just inspired a pop music blog do use the term de rigeur so perhaps, at least on this level, it's done something right.

Thirdly, this is a perfectly competent release to kick off the Bionic album campaign. But, if we were in Christina's camp, we would be just a little bit wary about hearing the word "competent" ascribed to this comeback single. The female solo pop market is currently about as crowded than it was back in the good old early 00s Christina/Britney wars. Britney's a good few months away from putting anything out which at least avoids those anachronistic comparisons to be wheeled out but now Christina is going up against the likes of Lady Gaga and, we absolutely regret to add, Katie Perry. Obviously the former provides more of an interesting creative foil, but nonetheless, the market for Christina Aguilera's brand of pop is there, but it's fairly fragmented.

Don't get us wrong, "Not Myself Tonight" can be fairly sure of a top ten placing come release day, but having put the Britney war behind her, Christina now finds herself competing with some pretty formidable new kids on the block. When seen against the backdrop of "Telephone", for example, "Not Myself Tonight" really can't afford to be looking dated and merely "competent". Not if it wants to cement Christina as one of the female pop stars occupying the throne which Lady Gaga and Katie Perry are pretending to.

On the other hand, if her team have learned from her past success, and the current success of Lady Gaga, then they'll know that a cracking video could help paper over some of these cracks... We wait in hope.

Dear the Music Industry

We here at the pop web don't often foray into the world of the "unsigned". Truth be told, we're a rather lazy, doughy lot, and much prefer our music to come to us through the traditional media of itunes or spotify, rather than getting up off our behinds and stumbling along to a "venue" and inevitably get too drunk off the watered down Carling to remember anything of note. There are a couple of acts at the moment,however, who have or will definitely buck that trend.

1. Inlight

Inlight are an Oxford-based band who we've seen perform live on a number of occasions. The experience is a perfect mix of well-crafted pop-rock songs and audience interraction featuring lines like "this is for anyone who's ever had a broken heart... or leg". They've got a pretty impressive repertoire of songs with particular highlights including Icarus (which we sincerely hope will help to buck the UK pop bias against winged creatures one day) and the actually beautiful Dido and Aeneas. If a song title which referencis the Aeneid isn't enough to whet your apppetite then, ladies and gentlemen, please feel free to bear witness to Space.



Two initial comments. Firstly, the video and audio quality of this performance really doesn't do justice to the song. We *highly* recommend that you try and pick up the recorded version from their website (inlightband.com). Secondly, if you do so, you'll hopefully come to the same conclusion that we have: this song really bloody well had better be this decade's "Mr. Brightside". There are a number of structural features to the song which lend themselves to this interpretation. Firstly, the chorus begins with an epic "YOU" which is really just crying out to be bellowed atonally by a dancefloor full of sweaty people who've had a few mojitos too many. Secondly, we've already come up with a few signature moves to the guitar and drum line, so if someone doesn't go ahead and sign these guys, they'll be DESTINED to go unnoticed. Great power; great responsibility.

In all seriousness, however, there's very little not to like about this band. Firstly, they are big twitter users, with the lead singer Charlie Atlantic frequently sending out tweets which are hilarious (personal favourites include this and this). Secondly, over the advent period, THEY ACTUALLY DID AN ADVENT CALENDAR which was, by all accounts, brilliant and very much helped to "set the mood" and which you can still have a look at on their youtube channel. Thirdly, and this really is the crucial thing, they produce music which would sit quite nicely alongside the radio "playlists" of the GCap network or whatever the hell it is that Radio 1 pay Fearne Cotton to bang about all day. In these cash-strapped times for the music industry, surely snapping up a band like this would mean one is "on to a winner"?

Also, Mike who is the band's guitarist, once said in our hearing "even my shadow looks fit." Rock and roll.

2. Simon Curtis

The great thing about the internet is that as you're dicking around avoiding all the other things you probably should be doing, you stumble across hidden gems which really help brighten the day.

Or, more accurately, you check popjustice and encounter some fairly good music.

Enter Simon Curtis.

First thing's first, yes, we're fully aware that the whole "boy made not created" thing has a very real danger of becoming something which is a fair few shades less brilliant than Ziggy Stardust (c.f. Prince's whole "symbol" thing and Brandy's "Bran'Nu").

But stick with it. You can download his whole album for free from the website and it's very well worth doing so. His voice definitely has a late 90s boyband quality to it which is layered over the top of some fairly interesting electronic backing tracks. The whole thing works fairly well. And particular highlights thus far include the tracks "Diablo" which features the line "Here's the thing, yeah, we started out friends, but this is not a Kelly Clarkson song and this is not how it ends" and "Fell In Love w/an Android" which features the repeated line "hate to say it but I'd rather f*ck a robot". That probably says it all.

In terms of "commerciability" it's at first sight a little difficult to see where Simon Curtis into the contemporary pop landscape. We will say that it's a damn site better than "If We Ever Meet Again" if that counts for anything. Equally, however, we can see Simon's pop-friendly vocals masking some very interesting and edgy lyrical and musical presentation (in other words, Fearne Cotton probably wouldn't be "mad" about it). We'd like to think, however, in this post-JLS world that we've gone past radio's chronic fear of boybands that aren't Take That or Boyzone and we could find a place for a new artist, who, with perhaps a little bit of polishing, could turn out to be very, very good. If he makes it over to the UK, we'll certainly endeavour to "check him out". We hope you all will do the same.

I feel like such an insomniac

Cheryl Cole was today's special guest on the Live Lounge and, amongst talking about a few current issues pertinent to her career (not Ashley, for God's sake don't mention Ashley!) she belted out a cover of Fireflies



As part of our continued commitment to quality control we've "scoured" youtube for a video which minimises the presence of Fearne Cotton. A couple of things we feel are noteworthy with this performance.

1) This literally could not have been a better song choice. In so far as it's not vocally challenging (you may not have noticed, but Cheryl is not the world's greatest live vocalist).
2) There are points where Cheryl's vocal is actually verging upon beautiful. We're thinking principally of the first chorus and the start of the second verse where she pronounces "lightning bugs" with a definite geordie intonation, which pleases this North-Eastern reviewer, at least.
2a) The improv-ed "might get them out later" (referring to the dreams she has hitherto kept in a jar) is one of our top 10 pop moments of the year so far.
3) There are equally points when the whole thing very definitely ventures into the "pitchy" territory, as she was careful to explain, however, Nicola Roberts had taken her out and gotten her drunk earlier. Nicola should be ashamed. If we were in charge of the country, we'd put Nicola under house arrest except for when she was flogging make up or creating vocals for one of the three PROMISED Girls Aloud albums.

Above all, however, we weren't unimpressed. Cheryl is very definitely one of those artists that, if you had any sense, you'd limit to the "recorded" performance sphere unless she's lip-synching (convincingly!) and accompanied by a smalll nation's worth of backing dancers. What we'd ultimately conclude is that this performance would probably see her through to Boot Camp but she'd struggle when "the pressure is on".

Most worryingly, however, the COVER VERSION was streets ahead of her performance of HER OWN SONG!

A bit of a side-project

So, on a whim, we've decided to review each and every UK Number 1 single from the start through to [as close to] the end [as we can sustain interest]. That's not to say we'll be neglecting the interconnected land of popular music, but it does mean you'll have something else on the internet to "bookmark" or "RSS". You're welcome.

Every '1'

Dig a Little Deeper: The Belinda Carlisle edition

Pop music is littered with artists that, for one reason or another, have been made victims by their own success. That is to say, there is a considerable cashe of acts who, despite having an amazing repertoire of tracks which really ought to attract the listeners' attention, have been eclipsed by one or two tracks which distract attention from the rest of their back catalogue. Today we at The Pop Web aim to begin correcting this injustice, and we're starting with none other than Saint Belinda of Carlisle*.

Belinda is, of course, is best known in the UK for her number 1 hit, Heaven Is A Place On Earth which was the first UK number 1 of 1988 (interestingly enough, she was succeeded by two other female solo artists who kick started their chart careers with number ones: Tiffany and a certain Miss Kylie Minogue). Prior to this, she was the lead singer of The GoGos who undoubtedly were influential in the fledgling New Wave movement of the 70s/early 80s didn't really set the charts alight here in the UK (although they did knock out two top ten albums over in the US, which is nothing to be sniffed at).

Heaven Is A Place On Earth kicked Belinda's solo career off spectactularly but it remains her only UK number 1. Which, if we're honest is a bit of a shame given the other quality tunes knocking around her discography. If we fast forward to the very next year (skirting around the thorny issue of the sadly "not great" I Get Weak) we come to "Circle In The Sand"



Frankly, any song which featured the lyric "shivers in the salty air" is probably deserving of a Grammy or three, but let's consider everything else this track brings to the table. Firstly, we have some extremely ropey "video screen" effects which we think were probably meant to look quite futuristic in the late 80s. Secondly, in what may or may not be an homage to Madonna she sings in front of a bit of wood which looks a little bit like a crucifix (but may just in fact be a bit of beach wreckage - we'll never know). Finally, at the end of the building, it becomes clear that someone has nipped down to habitat and dragged along a pine dining room chair upon which Belinda reclines and gazes wistfully out to sea.

Brilliant.

Joking aside, we're in danger of forgetting that Circle in the Sand is about a million miles away from the pop-rock immediateness of Heaven Is A Place On Earth. It's a subtle, understated ballad which demonstrates the range within the Carlisle/Rick Knowles songwriting partnership. But, if you want another healthy slice of pop-rock genuis, look no further than Belinda's "Runaway Horses" album which features this absolute gem:



Just take a few minutes to listen to that vocal and production. If ever you're down at your local HMV (or other top quality record-selling store, or indeed, if you're so inclined "online") pick up Runaway Horses. Is it the 80s answer to Sgt. Pepper's? No. Does it reinvent the pop wheel? Again, no. Is it a competent album featuring an extremely underrated vocalist at her performance peak? Yes. Particular highlights include "Summer Rain" which on the "heartbreaking" ballads scale, ranks at about a 7.8; the superb "Shades of Michaelangelo" (spotify link) and another pop-rock STOMPER in "We Want The Same Thing".

By 92, that seemed to have been about it for Belinda. The oft-walked line between "signature sound" and releasing "singles by the numbers" was well and truly crossed with "Live Your Life Be Free" which just lacked that sparkle which held the key to the success of Belinda's earlier higher-tempo shouty singles. "Live Your Life..." was the title track from an album which failed to produce a single top ten hit. The momentum seemed to have run out and it would have been far from surprising if that was the last we'd ever have heard from Belinda.

Then, in the summer of 1996, this happened



A simple, tender ballad which has Belinda deliver a beautiful vocal performance catapulted her back into the top ten. This in itself is unremarkable, except that it happened during a month in which The Fugees were dominating the UK music scene with their fantastic version of "Killing Me Softly", "Born Slippy" was poking around the top ten and, between them, Celine Dion and Mariah Carey had the diva thing well and truly covered. It's fair to say that there was quite a lot going on, so for a prima facie run of the mill ballad from someone who was really only remembered as singing that "Heaven and Earth" song to break the top 10 was no mean feat. And, best of all, this opened the door the follow up single which was the completely sublime "Always Breaking My Heart"



To be honest, any song which opens with the line "Is this what you want? Every finger points at me" has pretty much done its job there and then. "Always Breaking My Heart" is without a doubt one of the strongest singles in Belinda's back catalogue and certainly doesn't deserved to be eclipsed by (the admittedly bloody good) Heaven Is A Place On Earth. And herein lies the problem. Of course, Belinda probably isn't going to put out a press release any time soon saying

Dear everyone,


Please stop playing or listening to "Heaven Is A Place On Earth" as I'm a bit tired of the royalty checks and would like everyone to listen to the other great stuff I've done.


Thanks, 


Belinda

But nonetheless, it must be frustrating knowing that while everyone on Heart Fm or somesuch can only be bothered to delve into their "Number Ones of the 80s" CDs and nip outside for a smoke, they could just as easily take the opportunity to stick on "Always Breaking My Heart" or "We Want The Same Thing" and remind everyone that it's dangerous to fiddle with the radio when you're driving.

Sigh. Such is life, we suppose.

*We ought to note that Belinda Carlisle has not yet been canonized so we recognise that this title might be a bit premature. We'd very much appreciate it if Benedict could just get on with it, please.

"The vids are alright"

Cast yourself back to the early "noughties". Before the iPod/iTunes was in any way, shape or form a "force" in the sale of popular music. When Big Brother was, in real terms, as big as it was ever going to get. And when Robbie Williams and Eminem were two of the biggest pop stars in the world (although let's just set aside that whole "Robbie trying to crack America" bit, for argument's sake).

Bring yourself back to reality. How things have changed. Eminem, despite reaching number 1 in 2009 with his comeback album "Relapse" only managed to shift a quarter of the units which "The Eminem Show" managed to sell in 2002 and a fifth of "The Marshall Mathers LP" in 2000. Similarly, the album's lead comeback single, the distinctly mediocre "Crack A Bottle" only managed to reach number 4 and the album failed to produce a single with the kind of momentum seen in the early part of the decade.

Similarly, Robbie's career has seen him fall from being one of the most successful UK pop stars, having sold more albums in the UK than any other solo artist in history and having won more Brit awards than any other artist in history (yes, yes, we know, even Belle and Sebastian won one, but we were running short of stats). Then... well... this happened.


Robbie Williams - Rudebox
Uploaded by costyn. - Watch more music videos, in HD!

But aside from seeing their stars wane with frightening symmetry in the latter part of the last decade, Robbie and Marshall have an enduring connection which, between them, spans decades and, remarkably, avoids the Bee Gees completely.

In early 2003, Eminem set up his own record label and unleashed his first protege on the unsuspecting world.

Chilling.

"Fiddy's" debut hit was the admittedly 'alright' "In Da Club" which featured Marshall himself in the video. The track was pretty much everywhere in 2003 and even caught the attention of Beyonce. At the start of her fledgling solo career, "Be" had her own stab at "In Da Club" which took great care to translate any profanities into something more friendly like "sexy little bug".

Beyonce is, of course, no stranger to collaborations and indeed in the aforementioned 2003, produced the single which absolutely cemented her viability as a solo artist.


Beyonce feat. Jay-Z - Crazy In Love
Uploaded by MovieFanQS. - Explore more music videos.

I defy anyone to declare that this track is anything other than amazing. Jay Z, of course, turned up to lend his future wife a helping hand with the whole thing, despite never once removing that ludicrous hat :(

Jay Z has a bit of a reputation for turning up on other people's records and coincidentally making them amazing (c.f. Rihanna's "Umbrella" which, let's face it, is probably the best song of the 2000's if we're being honest). In September 2009, he continued this "collaborative streak" by teaming up with Alicia Keys on the spellbinding "Empire State of Mind (Part 1)"



Sadly, Alicia's forays into the world of the duet, have produced slightly more mixed results. On the one hand you've got the perfectly competent "Gangsta Lovin" tie-in with Eve (who, in contrast to later years, was actually not bad in 2002). On the other, you have this racket with Jack White



Passing over this nightmare as fast as we possibly can, Jack White, as part of the White Stripes covered Dusty Springfield's classic "I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself". The whole thing may have reflected Jack and Meg's deep-seating love for a belting 60s soul vocal, or it may have just all been a cover to have Kate Moss writhe around in her undercrackers. We'll probably never know.

Dusty, however, brings us firmly into the home straight of this tangled web we've weaved (see what we did there?). In 1987, Dusty had gone eighteen years (18!) without a top ten hit. Enter, the Pet Shop Boys, who recruited Dusty to sing on this ABSOLUTE SMASH.



Ignore the miming. This is the only time they ever performed the track "live". Beggers; choosers.

Actually, sorry, before we go any further, can we be permitted a little time to enthuse more about this song? It's actually amazing. And not just for the lines:

At night the people come and go

They talk too fast and walk too slow

Chasing time from hour to hour

I pour the drinks and crush the flowers.

Pop music just doesn't get much better than that.

The Pet Shop Boys, quite frequently, have a midas touch whenever they stick their nose into anyone else's career. If you want evidence just look at Girls Aloud's The Loving Kind and, probably the best song Robbie Williams has ever produced which features Neil Tennant on backing vocals



Again. Amazing.

So there we have it, two of the biggest stars of the early noughties and the "not quite so big stars" of the late noughties linked by that inherent connectivity of the UK pop charts.

Eminem - 50 Cent - Beyonce - Jay Z - Alicia Keys - Jack White - Dusty Springfield - Pet Shop Boys - Robbie Williams

Can we use this vital information to suggest ways in which Eminem and Robbie Williams might be able to revitalise their careers. We suggest the following measures:

1) Don't release anything which in any way resembles Rudebox (although She's Madonna wasn't that bad)

2) Don't include any raps which ask the questions "Why you so nasty?"

3) Try not to do a comeback performance which reignites all those "drug addiction" rumours:

The end.

Things which really shouldn't come as a surprise

The new Lady Gaga (feat. Beyonce) video is amazing.




It also makes literally zero sense. But if you're worried about that, then it's besides the point. The crucial issue is this:

THERE ARE A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES MADE OUT OF CIGARETTES!

Phenomenal.

Spot the Difference #2

Compare this:


Daisy Dares You (feat. Chipmunk)

with


Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend
Uploaded by bobi_93. - Watch more music videos, in HD!
Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend

Yes, we know, DDY (as she'll be known from here on out) has enlisted Chipmunk to provide a rap bit to hide the similarities but the comparison is virtually inescapable. Unremarkable in itself, except for the fact that DDY, earlier this year, was selected by the BBC as one of the top 15 most exciting breakthrough acts of the year. Aren't YOU glad that British music is thriving?

Mercifully a top 10 hit today (two weeks after the official release) date seems unlikely but we genuinely hope that this whole campaign stops with the whole "putting the rock back into pop" nonsense and goes away and has a bit of a rethink.

"I Got You"-gate: The Results

By a 100% unanimous verdict (comprising of one vote... from me), the world has spoken and it has been unequivocally decided that the second single from Leona Lewis' Echo album should have been...

"Definitely 'Outta My Head'"

I'm glad we got *that* cleared up.

Careless Wispa

Pop music is, we can all agree, a science rather than an art. Crafting an artists image, presentation and creative output is a delicate balance which requires the mastery of many and diverse complex elements. Sometimes certain decisions pay off (c.f. the decision to replace Siobhan Donaghy with Heidi Range in the Sugababes) sometimes it really doesn't (c.f. the decision to replace Keisha Buchanan with Jade Ewen in the "Sugababes"). Narrowing down what precisely makes one single infinitely more successful than another is a difficult (some would say impossible) task...

... Unless you happen to be dealing with George Michael.

George Michael's success as a solo artist can be charted with deadly accuracy against one key variable. Principally, how much he looks like this person in his "pop videos".

The "George Michael-Princess Diana co-efficient" can be SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN to be at the very heart of George Michael's success as a solo artist. We here at The Pop Web continually strive for scientific accuracy and so we have conducted a brief experiment (presided over by an independent adjudicator, obviously. What do you think we are? Amateurs? Please.) to test the veracity of this exciting hypothesis. Our findings, we think you will agree, are shocking to behold?

A few preliminary remarks:

a) In order to retain scientific validity, it is with a heavy heart that we have had to remove consideration of the "Wham!" back catalogue from our investigation. Sadly, the possibility just could not be excluded that wildly successful singles such as "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" "Freedom" and "Last Christmas" couldn't in fact be attributed to Andrew Ridgeley

b) A similar argument holds for "Fastlove" since as "Men In Black" proves, a song which samples Patrice Rushden's "Forget Me Nots" can sell a "boat-load" of records despite literally being awful.

c) We've included the duet with Elton John in 1991 because it's bloody brilliant (and kind of proves the point so if we left it out the graph wouldn't "work". The independent adjudicator promised it was OK though, so you can all breathe easily)

And so, without further ado, let us present the graph of our findings. Watch as George's inability to sell records (or, as we like to call it, his "sale fail") grows as he begins to look less and less like princess Di.

Figure 1.0 A Graph correlating "Similarity to Princess Diana" and "Sale Fail" in George Michael's solo career (including "that Elton John duet", obv)

 

 As we can see, at point 1, George is in full on Diana "Lookalike Mode". The hair is carefully coiffed, the earrings are placed to perfection and there's the glimmer of what appears to be a very attractive trouser suit "going on". Ladies and Gentlemen, we propose that this is why "Careless Whisper" sold over 1 million records in the UK and around 6 million worldwide.

At point 2, we're in 1991 and George has taken the first fateful steps away from the "Diana look". Fortunately for him (and good ol' Elton) he's kept the trouser suit (complete with fetching "pastel shade" and earrings and the beard is only at stubble phase. Whilst we are certainly moving into unwise territory here, George's conciliatory nods to Diana allow him and Elton to go on to reach the UK Number 1 spot with "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me" and raise an awful lot of money for Charidee.

By point 3 things are clearly "slipping". We're at "Jesus to a Child" which, despite being an emotionally resonant and creative ballad, only notches up one week at the number 1 spot. Why, you ask? The answer is obvious. That beard has now grown out of all proportion; the hair has been firmly cropped and there's not even a hint of a blonde highlight. The only thing holding that winning "Di" formula together is that earring. And even then we have the suspicion it was only in one ear. The boffins at Sony BMG and George himself, at this point, should surely have been alerted to this dangerous path which his career was travelling towards and how far away they're travelling from that winning formula. Their solution?

"Oh dear"

In the light of all of this conclusive evidence, what's next for George? We here at the Pop Web think that the answer is clear. Let that hair grow out, chuck a few quid over to Gillette, dig out some of those winning trouser suits, put the earrings back in and get yourself down to Toni and Guy (or similar hairdressing institution) and tell them not to skimp on the curling irons. Because it's a slippery slope from here on out.

If we were you, George, we might venture that a few bons mots about how evil landmines are wouldn't go amiss at this juncture.

Jan Moir, look away now.

In some senses, folks, this is a very dark day. What I'm about to say now goes further than any of the controversial theories or connections I have ever dared to make before.

Brace yourselves...

Boyzone's new single "Gave It All Away" is, in a very real sense, "alright".

I would post the video but thanks to an "embedding disabled by request" sticker I can't. Plus, for reasons which would become obvious to anyone who watched it. It would compromise the impartiality of this review.

In a number of senses, this is actually the most interesting thing Boyzone have ever released. On first listen, it would appear to be pitched at fairly safe territory. Yes, it's another middle of the road ballad which features Ronan emoting the lyrics rather than singing them. Delve deeper, however, and you'll find a hidden layer which actually renders the whole thing very listenable. To put it another way...

THERE'S A RUDDY REGGAE BIT!

I mean, 15 years ago, could you ever in your wildest dreams have actually have imagined something that Ronan Keating attached his name to would have featured a reggae bit?! These, my friends, are truly uncharted territories.

In fact, so listenable is this latest Boyzone song, that I'm prepared to do something so radical, so crazy, so unbelievably shocking that readers of a sensitive disposition should probably just stop reading now.


...

I'm actually going to state that Boyzone's "Gave It All Away" should be a UK number 1.

I know, I know, I'm scared too. And don't think for one second that this endorsement means that I've forgiven Ronan Keating for this dreck. Basically, the issue boils down to this: "You Needed Me" is, at the very least, one of the top fifty worst songs and vocal performances in the history of popular music. In 1999 (which, were it not for Britney Spears' "Baby One More Time" would have been a real annis horribilis), this inexplicably reached the number one spot. Therefore, unless the world's karmic balance has actually got so far out of alignment that all morality is now utterly pointless, surely a Boyzone song released in 2010 after the death of one of the band members which has a RUDDY REGGAE BIT IN IT deserves at least equal if not greater credence?

It's moments like this that I probably feel I'm judging Tinie Tempah too harshly. After all, he's preventing the horrible possibility of Ronan Keating having another number one hit becoming a horrifying reality.

On the other, "Pass Out" literally has no reggae bit. Game, set, match: Keating.

These are dark days indeed in the world of pop, readers.

Tern, Tern, Tern

POP FACT!!!

Not since 1986 have an act which derive their name from an animal from the avian family reached the UK number 1 spot (The Housemartins, for those interested). Before that, we have to go all the way back to 1965 when The Byrds reached the top spot with "Mr Tambourine Man". What we can, at first sight, conclude from this, is that the UK pop charts seem to favour other types of living species (insects and kittens, especially of the atomic variety) over the humble bird. That all changed in 2010, however, when Owl City ascended to the top spot with "Fireflies". This remarkable feat, in itself, should be evidence enough of the pop web's ability to conquer decades of shifts in musical taste and an inherent avian bias in the UK pop charts.

But Owl City and The Byrds are connected to one another by an even richer vein of tradition, one which unites some of the most important figures in modern music.

You see, in reaching number 1, Owl City prevented these giants of composition from achieving top-seller status.

 

 Yes, unbelievably, Jedward's masterful reinterpretation of Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby" failed to reach the UK number 1 spot thanks to being outsold by the aforementioned City. Of course, Jedward in their own right, owe their success not only to Ice's paradigmatic rapping, but also a little bit to Freddie Mercury* and, crucially, David Bowie. Evidence for Bowie's influence over the modern pop landscape is perhaps nowhere better typified by Lady Gaga's make-up in Poker Face.

Time hasn't always been so kind to Davie, however. There's simply no getting away from the fact that he was at least 50% responsible for this number 1 "hit" in 1985



The remaining 50% of the blame, of course, lies with Mick Jagger who, it is fair to say, has had better days than this. Indeed, Jagger, being at the helm of the Rolling Stones, has enjoyed royalty check after royalty check from artists who've thought it would be a good idea to piggyback off the Stones' songcrafting abilities to boost their own profile. One such act, who, if we're honest, could probably afford to chuck the odd quid Jagger's way, is Guns N Roses. "GNR" tried their hand at "reinterpreting" the Rolling Stones' "Sympathy For the Devil" to decidedly mixed results (insofar as I think it's amazing but at least one person I've spoken to has disagreed - c'est la vie).

"The Guns" of course are somewhat prolific "coverers", of course, having attempted to "make their own" (TM Simon Cowell) songs by such diverse artists as Paul McCartney and Bob Dylan**. "The Roses'" cover of "Knocking On Heaven's Door" brings them into connection with a whole host of people and events including, not least, Gabrielle (c.f. "Rise") Crucially, however, ol' Bobby provides the final link in our flighted chain, as he wrote "Mr Tambourine Man" and, indeed "All I Really Want To Do" which provided The Byrds with two of their biggest hits.

What, therefore, can we conclude from all of this?

1) The British record-buying public seem not to like birds, on the whole (perhaps they've watched a few too many Hitchcock movies - we just don't know).

2) In the 80s/90s Guns N Roses would probably have covered Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport if it involved a lucrative movie tie-in (given the recent reunion, this is still a possibility readers. The campaign starts here).

3) Jedward are, at least in some sense, the spiritual successors to everything David Bowie was trying to chuck out in 1985 (thank God for Lady Gaga and her makeup etc. etc.).

So, there we have it once again, Byrds of a feather, quite literally, flock together.

OWL CITY - Jedward - David Bowie - Mick Jagger - Guns N Roses - Bob Dylan - THE BYRDS

*Please note, the rest of Queen forfeited their rights to have any credit for the original "Under Pressure" or, indeed, anything else the band produced as a direct result of this monstrosity.

**By diverse, I of course mean, "not really that diverse at all"

Spot the difference #1

Compare this:



with



Have you spotted the difference? You're correct. The first is brilliant; the second is awful. Why? You ask. Simple. Both have started off on the right foot, create an interesting bass line/backing track. The Gorillaz, however, ACTUALLY BLOODY DO SOMETHING WITH IT whereas Tinie Tempah buggers up the blog's formatting spectacularly and just throws a rap over the top which in turn mentions keeping clothes at his aunt's house and name-checks Southampton and... erm... Scunthorpe.

Actually forget it, we take back. A (probably) UK Number 1 single is going to refer to Scunthorpe.

TAKE THAT GORILLAZ AND BOBBY WOMACK!

This new Leona single *awkward pause*

It may have taken me a whole two months to get over this debacle, but ultimately, there is far more in the tangled world of pop to get angry about. 2010 has seen, thus far, "Little Joe" finally get that bloody number 1 everyone realise yet again how bloody amazing Bad Romance is. Jedward were mercifully kept off the number 1 spot by Owl City and everyone piled in to Abbey Road studios to try and raise some money for Haiti. So far, so good.

2010 has also seen the aftermath of Leona Lewis "crucial second album" campaign. This week, Leona's second single, "I Got You" from said second album campaign got its full release and reached the dizzying heights of...

Number 14

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

On the face of it, this should have been staring the top ten in the face, at least. I mean, in a week where the "Sugababes" release a load of utter tosh (MASSIVE shoe in the video aside) and manage to eke a number 7 out of it, it's hard to believe that a decent Leona-by-the-numbers release isn't even going to trouble the top 10.

But that, right there, is the problem. To be honest, I could quite happily listen to Leona warble out the menu from the local Chinese takeaway (if and only if accompanied with a video centred upon Leona looking into the middle distance nursing a bowl of wanton soup) but, in this fickle and fragmented post-Spotify, post-iTunes world that we live in, another mid-tempo ballad chucked out in the early springtime with vague ambitious of catching that all important Mother's Day/Valentine's day market sadly won't cut it.

Let me reiterate. "I Got You" is NOT a bad song. Hell, the aforementioned "Sugababes" could probably have warbled it out and been pretty much assured a similar or even better chart position. But, if we believe the rhetoric (and we probably bloody well should) Leona is a cut above that. She is "The Voice". And whilst "I Got You" is a very good song (seriously, compare it to "Better In Time" and you'll begin to see my point with this), it's frankly just not up to the standard that's needed to justify the hype of Leona as being this globally important vocalist. The video, if we're being honest about the whole thing, is pretty much just "Bleeding Love" with a few location shots. The song, as the BBC's Chart Blog have perceptively noted, has some very underwhelming "Echoes" (see what we did there?) of something Snow Patrol would bang out and hope to get picked up on by Gray's Anatomy. It's frankly just not up to scratch. All releasing "I've Got You" has done for Leona and SyCo is to fail to provide a renewed vigour around the album campaign; it has landed them a mediocre chart position which they're going to have to airbrush out from the rest of the campaign (if they're even going to bother with another single).

But worst of all, it's fed into this pernicious but pervasive feeling that Leona is a one trick pony who can only be relied upon to give a decent X Factor performance to hype another safe and yet somehow divisive ballad into the Winter singles market.

This, readers, is a ridiculous state of affairs. For a start Echo is, if we're being honest, a far better and more interesting album than Spirit was. It truly showcases Leona's potential as a modern pop vocalist and not just "the new Whitney Houston" (which, lest we forget, is a pretty bloody impressive recommendation in its own right). Crucially, it gave Leona and SyCo a much more diverse choice in follow-up single to showcase the album.

Really, readers, the question comes down to this. Faced with a somewhat lukewarm public/sales reaction to this second album campaign and the regrettable fact of the album's lead single losing the number one race to what can only be described as a "fairly crap" offering from the Black Eyed Peas (who, at this time, were really at the very arse end of their album campaign) WHY did SyCo not decide to have a punt, aim to subvert some opinions, and give this a whirl (spotify link)?

It really begs belief, doesn't it?

Doesn't it?