Careless Wispa

Pop music is, we can all agree, a science rather than an art. Crafting an artists image, presentation and creative output is a delicate balance which requires the mastery of many and diverse complex elements. Sometimes certain decisions pay off (c.f. the decision to replace Siobhan Donaghy with Heidi Range in the Sugababes) sometimes it really doesn't (c.f. the decision to replace Keisha Buchanan with Jade Ewen in the "Sugababes"). Narrowing down what precisely makes one single infinitely more successful than another is a difficult (some would say impossible) task...

... Unless you happen to be dealing with George Michael.

George Michael's success as a solo artist can be charted with deadly accuracy against one key variable. Principally, how much he looks like this person in his "pop videos".

The "George Michael-Princess Diana co-efficient" can be SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN to be at the very heart of George Michael's success as a solo artist. We here at The Pop Web continually strive for scientific accuracy and so we have conducted a brief experiment (presided over by an independent adjudicator, obviously. What do you think we are? Amateurs? Please.) to test the veracity of this exciting hypothesis. Our findings, we think you will agree, are shocking to behold?

A few preliminary remarks:

a) In order to retain scientific validity, it is with a heavy heart that we have had to remove consideration of the "Wham!" back catalogue from our investigation. Sadly, the possibility just could not be excluded that wildly successful singles such as "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" "Freedom" and "Last Christmas" couldn't in fact be attributed to Andrew Ridgeley

b) A similar argument holds for "Fastlove" since as "Men In Black" proves, a song which samples Patrice Rushden's "Forget Me Nots" can sell a "boat-load" of records despite literally being awful.

c) We've included the duet with Elton John in 1991 because it's bloody brilliant (and kind of proves the point so if we left it out the graph wouldn't "work". The independent adjudicator promised it was OK though, so you can all breathe easily)

And so, without further ado, let us present the graph of our findings. Watch as George's inability to sell records (or, as we like to call it, his "sale fail") grows as he begins to look less and less like princess Di.

Figure 1.0 A Graph correlating "Similarity to Princess Diana" and "Sale Fail" in George Michael's solo career (including "that Elton John duet", obv)

 

 As we can see, at point 1, George is in full on Diana "Lookalike Mode". The hair is carefully coiffed, the earrings are placed to perfection and there's the glimmer of what appears to be a very attractive trouser suit "going on". Ladies and Gentlemen, we propose that this is why "Careless Whisper" sold over 1 million records in the UK and around 6 million worldwide.

At point 2, we're in 1991 and George has taken the first fateful steps away from the "Diana look". Fortunately for him (and good ol' Elton) he's kept the trouser suit (complete with fetching "pastel shade" and earrings and the beard is only at stubble phase. Whilst we are certainly moving into unwise territory here, George's conciliatory nods to Diana allow him and Elton to go on to reach the UK Number 1 spot with "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me" and raise an awful lot of money for Charidee.

By point 3 things are clearly "slipping". We're at "Jesus to a Child" which, despite being an emotionally resonant and creative ballad, only notches up one week at the number 1 spot. Why, you ask? The answer is obvious. That beard has now grown out of all proportion; the hair has been firmly cropped and there's not even a hint of a blonde highlight. The only thing holding that winning "Di" formula together is that earring. And even then we have the suspicion it was only in one ear. The boffins at Sony BMG and George himself, at this point, should surely have been alerted to this dangerous path which his career was travelling towards and how far away they're travelling from that winning formula. Their solution?

"Oh dear"

In the light of all of this conclusive evidence, what's next for George? We here at the Pop Web think that the answer is clear. Let that hair grow out, chuck a few quid over to Gillette, dig out some of those winning trouser suits, put the earrings back in and get yourself down to Toni and Guy (or similar hairdressing institution) and tell them not to skimp on the curling irons. Because it's a slippery slope from here on out.

If we were you, George, we might venture that a few bons mots about how evil landmines are wouldn't go amiss at this juncture.