Had enough of staring into windows?

First things first. Girls Aloud = amazing.

If you cannot grasp this simple formula then there is no hope for you. Fact. I mean. Just look at them. Some nefarious Bond-ish villain has dipped them into a vat of black candle wax and they've still find the time to pout. With such a plethora of talent and a wealth of resilience there is no stopping them.

So. Now we've covered that important axiom, you may well be asking, why should I care?

You probably shouldn't. But in the event that you do, pay close attention. Their stunning lyrical output such as "I'll breathe underwater cos I like the way it feels" and "that duh-duh dirty style" often BLINDS the casual observer to their well-established links to The Prodigy.



Fitt.

Anyway, the Genesis of Girls Aloud is a long and tragic tale. Not unlike the Goonies. In a number of respects. Prinipally, like thus.


Louis Walsh sadly couldn't be here this afternoon to be in this photograph because I unanimously decided he wasn't important enough. You can, however, see his right elbow, because I unanimously decided that compromise is beautiful.

Girls Aloud were formed as a result of the competition 'Popstars: The Rivals' which broke new grounds in punctuated talent show titles.

Through a long and torturous audition and public voting gauntlet, the British Public eventually heard a single by One True Voice. We have only just recovered.

Also, Girls Aloud were formed.

But not without controversy.

At the time, many people were shocked, appalled, and faintly interested by the news that this woman did not make the final five.


Maybe it was a result of the copyright watermark protruding from her left knee. We'll never know.

Javine failed in her bid to become part of the second most successful UK girl band of the 21st century so far (this opinion was brought to you by The Sugababes). She did, however, release a whole 2 "hit" singles. Real Things and Surrender (Your Love) were veritable smashes in 2003, one of them reached the top 5!!!. AND she didn't stop there. She even represented the UK in Eurovision with what was almost the 'hold' theme for 999 Touch My Fire. Amazing.

She also copped off with MC Harvey when he was still married to Alesha Dixon, but it's principally her groundbreaking contribution to the world of contemporary popular music for which she will be fondly remembered.

MC Harvey was largely in the famous So Solid Crew who had a number one hit with '21 Seconds' in 2001. Everyone agreed wholeheartedly that this was significant. Especially when you consider the illustrious members of this "South London collective". You were in serious trouble if you referred to them as a 'group'.

Also members of the So Solid Crew were two gentlemen called Oxide and Neutrino


A life-size portrait of Neutrino is available on request.

These two men decided to make a stand, and to not be subsumed into the globulous mass of the Crew. No. They took a chance, and in May 2000, produced a number 1 smash hit, Bound 4 Da Reload. Accompanying this title was the word CASUALTY in brackets, which upset a number of anxious parents at the time who believed that hospitals were a dangerous and subversive myth.

Sampling the theme tune to the barely popular BBC1 televisual drama 'Casualty', Oxide and Neutrino clawed their way into the annals of pop history.


Unphased by their audacious success, Oxide and Neutrino went on to have a top ten hit with No Good 4 Me. In order to fully grasp the concepts they were conveying, one has to be mindful of the recent discovery that digits could in fact be substituted to validly represent key English prepositions. It was an exciting, yet uncertain time, in which the nation grew increasingly apprehensive about Royal Gala Apples.

No Good 4 Me does, however, provide the final essential link in our chain. Not content with bringing BBC1 theme tunes closer in line with the political leanings of pop music, Oxide and Neutrino bravely brought The Prodigy into the fold, sampling their 1994 hit, No Good (Start the Dance).

'No Good', as we are now calling it, in turn sampled a late 80s soul song, but, to be honest, nobody remembers it. And maybe that's the point.

Et voila,

Girls Aloud - Javine - So Solid Crew - Oxide and Neutrino - The Prodigy

The symmetry is as beautiful as a vowel. Like O.

I thus conclude we have learnt two important lessons here:

1. Girls Aloud = Amazing

2. Everyone > Louis Walsh.

There will be a test on Tuesday.

The first one...

OMG, what the hell is he talking about? What a douche(bag).

Well if you'd have some bloody patience, I'll, like, totally demonstrate. First challenge courtesy of that guy whose flat I live in. We will call him 'the housemate'. For reference purposes only!

So. What far-flung reaches of the UK Top 40 cosmos do we have to bring together in something vaguely resembling that bit in the Sex and the City movie where Miranda and Steve met on a bridge?

BABYLON ZOO



TO


THE BEATLES (Oh, how witty. They're bugs!)

Wow. A real challenge, eh? Well... kinda.

There are three whole methods for doing this, but one involves Oasis so ENOUGH OF THAT! Another involves David Bowie and for one night only, I will show some respect.

Method one: Babylon Zoo's EXCELLENT number 1 hit 'Spaceman' hit the number one spot in the UK in 1996 after being featured on an advertisement promoting the following products.

In achieveing this feat, they joined the likes of such pop 'luminaries' (from the French for 'lights') as Stiltskin and the Steve Miller Band.

In short. Nott hott.

But anyway, another artist who hit le top spot thanks to Levis was that fucking puppet thing, Mr. Oizo. God he was great. He had the dubious honour of keeping Eminem's debut single My Name is (Slim Shady) off the number one spot.

Eminem sobbed. Allegedly.

But like the brave little trooper he isHe struggled on and eventually went on to duet with infamous homosexual Elton John at the 2001 Grammy awards. Elton John has done a number of notable things, not all of them involving a set of curtains, but specifically involving George Michael. Only together could they face their shared fear of sunsets and got to number one in the process in 1991. Well done, we cried. And then thought better of it.

But notwithstanding, some people, somewhere in the world, probably saw this event


LOOK AT THAT GURN!!!! And the angle of the knee really CAPS it off. Applause.

At that extraordinary spectacle of satelite feeds, editorial independence and people having a jolly good singsong, George Michael got up and sung a little ditty called 'Baby You Can Drive My Car' He was drunk. But everyone forgave him because he had explained at length why it was a 'jolly good wheeze'. So they let him sing his merry song, seemingly forgetting that the song was originally made famous by The Beatles.

AN INTERESTING FACT!!!!!!! The Beatles never ever acquired an ASBO. WOW!

So, there we have it.

Babylon Zoo to Mr Oizo to Eminem to Elton John to "George Michael" to The Beatles

Discuss.

I would point out that challenges are welcome. And I will.

Challenges are welcome.

So, what is "this" all about then?

Pop music.

'Aaaargh!' I hear you cry. Or maybe 'yay'! It's hard to hear.

But anyway. Yes. Pop music! It's great/awful isn't it?

It's also a veritable orgy of crossroads, co-incidences and connections.

What follows from here on out is an experiment. The hypothesis is thus:

Any artist who has EVER had a UK Top 40 hit can be connected to another!

That's right. Madonna to Meatloaf, I hear you cry! Simple. Go via Celine Dion, segue across the BeeGees, foray for a BRIEF time in that godawful Billie Piper, Steps and B*Witched brit awards shite in 1998, stop for breath and a nice cup of tea with ABBA (but not that one that lives in a wood!) and then get slapped in the face by the Queen of Pop who wants to know why you're three hours late for the lasagne she cooked. When it looked like this.


Stunning.

So yes. Le mission statement is complete. Don't believe me? Challenge me. We'll have bons temps. It'll be great.

There will be no lasagne. Ever.

Apologies.