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The Bee Gees.
DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY AT THEM!
DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY AT THEM!The Bee Gees are one of few interactive mediums by which the various disparate gossamer strands of the web can be connected. They are, in a real sense (i.e. in a not very real one at all) the glue which binds The Pop Web together. Observe:
Mikeinlight set the audacious challenge of transferring the rocky-indie terrain betwixt Suede:
Mikeinlight set the audacious challenge of transferring the rocky-indie terrain betwixt Suede:
and hard-rockin', fast-strummin', shouty-shouty Metallica.
Now hang on a minute, Spider you might (probably won't) say. Just steady on. Suede to Metallica. I might be able to buy that. But why do you have to involve those fine, upstanding, gently coiffed Australian brothers with that bloke who appears to be about to attempt to swallow the neck of that expensive-looking guitar. Just think of the many and various hygiene issues (which, anecdotal evidence suggests, Robin takes VERY seriously)!
The answer, as they say, is this.
Suede's guitarist Bernard Butler is, in a very real way responsible for this woman and, more specifically, this god-awful, mind fuckingly bad advert.
I defy you to try and watch this all the way through. The moral of the story SEEMS to be that Duffy is suffering from a tremendous bout of stage fright. The only elixir which could possibly bring her out of this crippling psychological stupor is the perfect combination of Potassium benzoate, Phosphoric acid, and Aspartame in a solvent of carbonated water (I'm sure, readers, we can all relate to this). Ever the environmentally-friendly valley girl (is she even from a valley? Perhaps she actually lives up a hill. Perhaps this has all been a contrived marketing ploy to capitalise on our weakness and affection for our brethren who live closer to sea level than we do. Bravo, everybody) Duffy hops on her push bike, finds Diet Coke, remembers she's got a RUDDY PAYING AUDIENCE to entertain, and gets her act together etc. etc.
The important thing, ladies and gentlemen, is that in bringing this epic tale of courage, perseverance, and questionable PVC/denim combinations, Duffy has forged herself irrevocably to this "R n B Icon"
You know the one, Etta James. You know, the one with, erm ONE charting UK single and all ZERO UK charting albums (oh, we know, charts are meaningless. They only reflect what people find attractive, interesting, entertaining, worthy of spending money on, thus generating the capital to allow people to keep recording music and bringing about aspirations in younger generations to create music and other such Simon Cowell-sponsored propaganda and another thing everything was better when the Beatles were still touring and nnrigsruhgsjbksgbrbrubbflabnfobobwouwrgrwgbwrniorboibg to the power of 5).
Etta James, who's "seminal" 'I Just Wanna Make Love To You' reached the dizzying heights of number 5 in the UK in 1996 after it featured in an advert for the aforementioned Diet Coke (thankfully, this time, without a pushbike in sight). Etta's life was literally immortalised on screen thanks to a performance by Beyonce in a movie called "Cadillac Records". We would provide a picture from this SCREEN CLASSIC but instead we'll grab a shot from the 'Single Ladies' video.
"Tonight, Matthew, my left hand is going to be... TOUCHED BY KING MIDAS"
As an aside, does everybody remember when she duetted with Alexandra on last year's X-Factor final and it was amazing and she was such an inspiration and how we couldn't believe that we were getting to share the stage with her? Weren't they just excellent times, now we come to think of it? If not, then delete as appropriate.
Beyonce (with or without the acute accent over the concluding 'e') has had lots and lots of chart success over the years. Not only in her own right, but as part of a band which made the whole 'lets change all our members' thing popular before Siobhan Donaghy could even CONSIDER leaving the Sugababes for her 'fashion career'. Destiny's Child are, technically, the biggest selling girl band of all time (in that they sold more records than any other girl band but I think that's at best a marginal point in the acquisition of this accolade). As part of their third studio album, Survivor, they released a song called 'Emotions'
Now hang on a minute, Spider you might (probably won't) say. Just steady on. Suede to Metallica. I might be able to buy that. But why do you have to involve those fine, upstanding, gently coiffed Australian brothers with that bloke who appears to be about to attempt to swallow the neck of that expensive-looking guitar. Just think of the many and various hygiene issues (which, anecdotal evidence suggests, Robin takes VERY seriously)!
The answer, as they say, is this.
Suede's guitarist Bernard Butler is, in a very real way responsible for this woman and, more specifically, this god-awful, mind fuckingly bad advert.
I defy you to try and watch this all the way through. The moral of the story SEEMS to be that Duffy is suffering from a tremendous bout of stage fright. The only elixir which could possibly bring her out of this crippling psychological stupor is the perfect combination of Potassium benzoate, Phosphoric acid, and Aspartame in a solvent of carbonated water (I'm sure, readers, we can all relate to this). Ever the environmentally-friendly valley girl (is she even from a valley? Perhaps she actually lives up a hill. Perhaps this has all been a contrived marketing ploy to capitalise on our weakness and affection for our brethren who live closer to sea level than we do. Bravo, everybody) Duffy hops on her push bike, finds Diet Coke, remembers she's got a RUDDY PAYING AUDIENCE to entertain, and gets her act together etc. etc.
The important thing, ladies and gentlemen, is that in bringing this epic tale of courage, perseverance, and questionable PVC/denim combinations, Duffy has forged herself irrevocably to this "R n B Icon"
You know the one, Etta James. You know, the one with, erm ONE charting UK single and all ZERO UK charting albums (oh, we know, charts are meaningless. They only reflect what people find attractive, interesting, entertaining, worthy of spending money on, thus generating the capital to allow people to keep recording music and bringing about aspirations in younger generations to create music and other such Simon Cowell-sponsored propaganda and another thing everything was better when the Beatles were still touring and nnrigsruhgsjbksgbrbrubbflabnfobobwouwrgrwgbwrniorboibg to the power of 5).Etta James, who's "seminal" 'I Just Wanna Make Love To You' reached the dizzying heights of number 5 in the UK in 1996 after it featured in an advert for the aforementioned Diet Coke (thankfully, this time, without a pushbike in sight). Etta's life was literally immortalised on screen thanks to a performance by Beyonce in a movie called "Cadillac Records". We would provide a picture from this SCREEN CLASSIC but instead we'll grab a shot from the 'Single Ladies' video.
"Tonight, Matthew, my left hand is going to be... TOUCHED BY KING MIDAS"As an aside, does everybody remember when she duetted with Alexandra on last year's X-Factor final and it was amazing and she was such an inspiration and how we couldn't believe that we were getting to share the stage with her? Weren't they just excellent times, now we come to think of it? If not, then delete as appropriate.
Beyonce (with or without the acute accent over the concluding 'e') has had lots and lots of chart success over the years. Not only in her own right, but as part of a band which made the whole 'lets change all our members' thing popular before Siobhan Donaghy could even CONSIDER leaving the Sugababes for her 'fashion career'. Destiny's Child are, technically, the biggest selling girl band of all time (in that they sold more records than any other girl band but I think that's at best a marginal point in the acquisition of this accolade). As part of their third studio album, Survivor, they released a song called 'Emotions'
And yes, before you ask, it's entirely valid to express one emotions through the medium of a glittery bra. It's exactly that kind of positive mentality which makes this country great etc.
Emotions was, in fact a cover version of a song originally written by
Emotions was, in fact a cover version of a song originally written by
THE BEE GEES.
THE BEE GEES.
THE BEE GEES.
THE BEE GEES.
THE BEE GEES.
THE BEE GEES.
THE BEE GEES.
THE BEE GEES.
THE BEE GEES.
And here we really come to the crux of the matter, Ladies and Gentlemen. For those of you who require a moment to catch up, we've gone from 80s/90s indie act Suede to the Bee Gees. For any of you who doubt the Gibb family's sphere of influence let this consideration silence your deceitful, unbelieving minds.
The Bee Gees provide the final, and vital link in our chain. In the early 90s when they were undergoing what scholars have later termed 'a career renaissance' in the aftermath of the genuinely brilliant "You Win Again" (which, alright, was in 1987 but let's not get such petty considerations get in the way of a good story). As part of this splurge of single releasing (well... all three of them), they had a top ten hit with "For Whom The Bell Tolls". The Bee Gees, it would transpire, were not the only fans of the writing of Ernest Hemingway (or, indeed, of metaphysical poet John Donne) as later in the decade, a song of the same name would be recorded by...
It's around this point that the drumbeat at the end of Eastenders would kick in as everyone is frozen in shock at the great pointy logo which has just appeared declaring itself to be the father of the owner of the cafe which has just been blown up by a stray Furbee.
Seriously, what happened to those? I literally wanted one but wasn't allowed it for Christmas. Sad times.
In any event, the web has been completed, and who is it thanks to? Yes. The Bee Gees. Take a bow, ye three, gods among interconnected pop stars.
Oh, and remember when Robin Gibb was, like, the expert judge on Fame Academy and kept banging on about how much he liked everybody's "vocal tone"? And remember when he INSISTED on wearing these sunglasses in the not-overpoweringly-lit studio?
These were truly better times, readers.
In summary:
The Bee Gees provide the final, and vital link in our chain. In the early 90s when they were undergoing what scholars have later termed 'a career renaissance' in the aftermath of the genuinely brilliant "You Win Again" (which, alright, was in 1987 but let's not get such petty considerations get in the way of a good story). As part of this splurge of single releasing (well... all three of them), they had a top ten hit with "For Whom The Bell Tolls". The Bee Gees, it would transpire, were not the only fans of the writing of Ernest Hemingway (or, indeed, of metaphysical poet John Donne) as later in the decade, a song of the same name would be recorded by...
It's around this point that the drumbeat at the end of Eastenders would kick in as everyone is frozen in shock at the great pointy logo which has just appeared declaring itself to be the father of the owner of the cafe which has just been blown up by a stray Furbee.Seriously, what happened to those? I literally wanted one but wasn't allowed it for Christmas. Sad times.
In any event, the web has been completed, and who is it thanks to? Yes. The Bee Gees. Take a bow, ye three, gods among interconnected pop stars.
Oh, and remember when Robin Gibb was, like, the expert judge on Fame Academy and kept banging on about how much he liked everybody's "vocal tone"? And remember when he INSISTED on wearing these sunglasses in the not-overpoweringly-lit studio?
These were truly better times, readers.
In summary:
Suede - Duffy - Etta James - Beyonce - THE BEE GEES - Metallica
