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Like every good essay (NB: what follows is neither 'good' nor an 'essay') it is vitally important to define our terms.
1. "Power Ballad" - noun, referring to any musical performance of immense, indeed apocalyptic significance concerning any and all facets of a romantic relationship. Likely proponents of the genre include:
You may notice a common thread running through this. Yes. A pre-requisite of a successful power balladeer is to be North American and bat-shit crazy. It's a powerful tool, you see. Just as the power ballad when executed correctly can psychically create the desire to leap onto the nearest table and bellow "AAAAAAAAAAAND IIIIIIIIIII-IIIII--IIIII etc. etc." into the unforgiving night sky, so this powerful art form has a dark side for they who choose to wield it. There are a few exceptions to the trend towards the North American power balladeer, however. It can be summed up by the following picture:
Look at that perm. That unflinching stare. Those earrings carefully selected from the very depths of the 80s to symbolise light and dark. Clear and opaque. Life and death. Key change and middle 8. A work of art, truly.
The Power Ballad is at one and the same time ominous and exciting, powerful and sensitive, pessimistic and optimistic. You really begin to get a sense at JUST HOW WELL SELECTED Tyler's earrings are in the above exhibit. Truly stunning. Yet for all its duality it's power is contained within one singular rule. One overriding consideration. One law to rule them all, you might say (I wouldn't. I hated that film/book).
A power ballad, is, in essence, a car journey.
I hope that gives you the right idea. A song is a power ballad if and only if it can be likened to car journey. Pay attention at the back.
We are going to use the pre-eminent example to illustrate this point. "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler. Apart from being better than anything the Beatles, Coldplay, Radiohead or anyone of that ilk have ever produced it was also single handedly responsible for ending the Cuban Missile Crisis a whole TWO DECADES before it was even recorded. Take that McCartney!
This song conforms perfectly to the aforementioned 'car journey' insofar as it progresses perfectly up the gearbox. Observe:
The song begins with ignition, the delicate yet portentous piano undercurrent. After strapping the family in, Mr. Power Ballad reverses out, and puts the car into first just in time for the vocal to begin. Indeed, he literally "Turns Around". How very fitting.
The vocal marks 1ST GEAR. You can hear Bonnie warming up, edging slowly out of the cul-de-sac so as to avoid Mr Perkins' notoriously erratic parking and little Jimmy Pallister playing with his football at the end of the seat (a very good citizen, you see, our Bonnie. Carefully and meticulously keeping to the laws of the land, at least thus far.)
When she hits the corridor with the ludicrously impractical red curtains, that's when we reach 2ND GEAR. The drums assert themselves and Bonnie walks with PURPOSE down the corridor, apparently unfazed by the rather demented class of boys she meets on her way, who have apparently been driven mad by the ludicrous detention policy in place at Tyler High School for variously half-naked boys.
Appropriately, we toast the arrival of 3RD GEAR with a bunch of charming young gentlemen who nonetheless feel the need to host their dinner party in the sports hall. Evidently they were willing to take the hit in the 'Come Dine With Me' voting afterwards. Bonnie by now, has reached the village border and ambitiously accelerates onto the roundabout at 30, taking the second exit and heading on the road towards the local Sainsbury's. At a number of points during this chorus, she thinks about sliding up the gears, the engine at a number of points revving like it was 'living in a powder keg and giving off sparks'. Sadly for Bonnie, a pair of American Footballers host a roadside exhibition of their talents, which is greatly enjoyed by the residents of Tyler Bonnington. They slow down accordingly to admire the view and
OH NO A MIRROR!
Near disaster averted, Bonnie moves up just as the gymnast proceeds to hurl himself across the dual carriageway (at precisely 2:59 into the journey) . Ladies and Gentlemen: welcome to 4TH GEAR. Bonnie nears the slip road, itching to join the motorway so as not to miss her important lunchdate with Jim Steinman (the man who kindly wrote this song for her. Lovely chap. Very fond of cheese. A real flair for the dramatic).
She hits the sliproad. The motorway's clear. The road is in sight. She pushes the pedal to the upholstered and previously carpeted metal and reaches for the stick. The demented choirboys (3:28) proclaim her mechanical, vocal, and cultural victory as she reaches 5TH GEAR! We have arrived, we are coasting along the M42, wind whistling through our hair (unless the sunroof isn't open. Tragically, there are many ways in which the power ballad can be thwarted in achieving its maximum impact) life is good.
You may be fooled into thinking that that's the end. We've reached our destination. Our lesson is complete. People at the back are putting away their pencils into their cases. One is even shouldering his bag. WAIT! STOP! Where do you think you're going? Do you want me to put you in detention? You've just seen what horrendous psychological effects that can bring about? Do you want that, punk, do you? Well sit down. The lesson is far from over.
No. Reaching 5th gear is not the be all and end all of the power ballad. The Power Ballad is a responsible motorist. It is aware that you can't tie a brick to the accelerator and leave it driving off into the sunset, running over everything and anything in its path - think of poor Jimmy Pallister and his football :-(
The Power Ballad needs to be parked, and here we see Bonnie tackle this final task with aplomb. Sweat dripping from what has been an exhausting, yet brief journey, Bonnie exits the motorway at the next available sliproad, and hunts for her parking space. The car slows down, she brings it down to second. She spots a space, right next to the trolleys, no less. Dropping into first, she lines up the manoeuvre, checks her mirror, and edges in, straightening up perfectly. As she is hugged by the angel she thoughtfully brought along for a croissant and a mocha, she puts the engine into neutral but, not caring about her carbon footprint takes a few short moments to reflect on her achievement before gently reaching forward and switching the engine off.
A job well done, I think we can all agree.
And it is this rule, ladies and gentlemen which both governs and defines this most beautiful and deadly of all the musical genres lurking in your average iTunes folder. It is my fervent hope that armed with this knowledge you will all proceed to respect and fear such classics as 'I Will Always Love You', 'Battlefield', 'My Heart Will Go On' and 'Without You' as is appropriate to their majesty.
Le Class is dismissed.
You may be fooled into thinking that that's the end. We've reached our destination. Our lesson is complete. People at the back are putting away their pencils into their cases. One is even shouldering his bag. WAIT! STOP! Where do you think you're going? Do you want me to put you in detention? You've just seen what horrendous psychological effects that can bring about? Do you want that, punk, do you? Well sit down. The lesson is far from over.
No. Reaching 5th gear is not the be all and end all of the power ballad. The Power Ballad is a responsible motorist. It is aware that you can't tie a brick to the accelerator and leave it driving off into the sunset, running over everything and anything in its path - think of poor Jimmy Pallister and his football :-(
The Power Ballad needs to be parked, and here we see Bonnie tackle this final task with aplomb. Sweat dripping from what has been an exhausting, yet brief journey, Bonnie exits the motorway at the next available sliproad, and hunts for her parking space. The car slows down, she brings it down to second. She spots a space, right next to the trolleys, no less. Dropping into first, she lines up the manoeuvre, checks her mirror, and edges in, straightening up perfectly. As she is hugged by the angel she thoughtfully brought along for a croissant and a mocha, she puts the engine into neutral but, not caring about her carbon footprint takes a few short moments to reflect on her achievement before gently reaching forward and switching the engine off.
A job well done, I think we can all agree.
And it is this rule, ladies and gentlemen which both governs and defines this most beautiful and deadly of all the musical genres lurking in your average iTunes folder. It is my fervent hope that armed with this knowledge you will all proceed to respect and fear such classics as 'I Will Always Love You', 'Battlefield', 'My Heart Will Go On' and 'Without You' as is appropriate to their majesty.
Le Class is dismissed.
