Chartramble - Monday 12th April

This is what this week's top ten looks like:

1. (1) Scouting For Girls: 'This Ain't A Love Song'
2. (8) Usher ft. will.i.am: 'OMG'
3. (3) Plan B: 'She Said'
4. (2) Lady GaGa ft. Beyoncé: 'Telephone'
5. (5) Tinie Tempah: 'Pass Out'
6. (16) Timbaland ft. Justin Timberlake: 'Carry Out'
7. (9) INNA: 'Hot'
8. (6) Rihanna: 'Rude Boy'
9. (7) Justin Bieber ft. Ludacris: 'Baby'
10. (10) Cheryl Cole: 'Parachute'

Some observations:

1) It's kind of Tinie Tempah and Timbaland to band together to produce a step by step guide on how to cope if, when out "in the club" one of your party members faints. I.E. If they "Pass Out" it's up to you to "Carry Out" or at least fetch the nearest first-aid trained bouncer. If Tinie Tempah MUST clutter up the top 10, we're glad he's performing some kind of public service.

2) Scouting for Girls are still clinging on to the number 1 spot. We've never been part of the "hate" that S4G seem to attract (indeed, two years ago at the V Festival they were bloody brilliant and really helped liven up a drizzly spell). However, it seems a shame that this is the song that's propelled them to the top spot, given that one of the key elements of their appeal is their playful sense of humour. Add a couple of guitars and Gerard Way wailing over the top, and, lyrically, this one isn't too far away from a lead single on My Chemical Romance's next album campaign (actually, now we come to think of it, Jo Whiley Fearne *shudders* Cotton might want to consider this for the "Live Lounge").

3) Perhaps it'll be a "grower" but Usher and will.i.am's tie-up really has a sense that something more could have been done. We appreciate the word "Gosh" being used instead of "God" as it makes it the kind of thing that our Granny would be quite happy to sing along to without fear of a blasphemy charge. We don't appreciate the utter lack of interesting vocals from Usher. That's not to say we're demanding he hits every note in his range every time he's within 10ft of a microphone, just that it would be nice to variate from the one or two he chucks out on this song.

4) Numbers 3, 5, and 7 are almost unlistenable. Plan B, for our money, just doesn't have "it" and following a sound which only occasionally works for Amy Winehouse isn't going to cut it. On the plus side, the bit in the video where the jury starts clicking is definitely a highlight. INNA's Hot is just bloody awful.

5) We really want not to like Justin Bieber but sadly we have failed :( - Again, to look at the positives, it's unlikely that we have the next Hanson on our hands which can only be good news, as the first Hanson (or Hanson 1.0, if you will) was fairly bloody perfect and frankly there have been very few songs released in history that have been as good as MmBop.

So that's that. Looking at the week ahead these are some of the highlights of this week's new releases:

Banana-f'in-rama!!! are releasing an absolute stomper which should have Little Boots et al listening attentively and taking notes. "Love Don't Live Here" is a brilliantly constructed, thoroughly modern pop song. We expect it to get to about number 45 :-(

Jay-Z and Swiss Beatz are bringing out "On To The Next One" which is similarly brilliant. What Jay Z can't do with a backing beat isn't worth doing, frankly. This one is innovative and engaging. Tinie Tempah, take note.

But the big news is that Kate Nash is releasing something which isn't fifteen shades of awful. So that's a plus. You know, in private circles (dinner parties and the like) we haven't been very fair to Kate Nash. She's actually got a really nice voice and we just wish that she'd let that shine through rather than putting all the emphasis on some fairly ropey lyrics. Thankfully, this single seems to have learned that lesson. Well done, Nash.

So, there you have it, three great singles being released next week. Perhaps this means we'll have 100% less Scouting For Girls bringing their B game at number 1 next week.

Oh, and just in case we failed to emphasise it enough, stop what you're doing and give yourselves a lesson in how to do great pop music, courtesy of Banarama:

"The vids are alright"

Cast yourself back to the early "noughties". Before the iPod/iTunes was in any way, shape or form a "force" in the sale of popular music. When Big Brother was, in real terms, as big as it was ever going to get. And when Robbie Williams and Eminem were two of the biggest pop stars in the world (although let's just set aside that whole "Robbie trying to crack America" bit, for argument's sake).

Bring yourself back to reality. How things have changed. Eminem, despite reaching number 1 in 2009 with his comeback album "Relapse" only managed to shift a quarter of the units which "The Eminem Show" managed to sell in 2002 and a fifth of "The Marshall Mathers LP" in 2000. Similarly, the album's lead comeback single, the distinctly mediocre "Crack A Bottle" only managed to reach number 4 and the album failed to produce a single with the kind of momentum seen in the early part of the decade.

Similarly, Robbie's career has seen him fall from being one of the most successful UK pop stars, having sold more albums in the UK than any other solo artist in history and having won more Brit awards than any other artist in history (yes, yes, we know, even Belle and Sebastian won one, but we were running short of stats). Then... well... this happened.


Robbie Williams - Rudebox
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But aside from seeing their stars wane with frightening symmetry in the latter part of the last decade, Robbie and Marshall have an enduring connection which, between them, spans decades and, remarkably, avoids the Bee Gees completely.

In early 2003, Eminem set up his own record label and unleashed his first protege on the unsuspecting world.

Chilling.

"Fiddy's" debut hit was the admittedly 'alright' "In Da Club" which featured Marshall himself in the video. The track was pretty much everywhere in 2003 and even caught the attention of Beyonce. At the start of her fledgling solo career, "Be" had her own stab at "In Da Club" which took great care to translate any profanities into something more friendly like "sexy little bug".

Beyonce is, of course, no stranger to collaborations and indeed in the aforementioned 2003, produced the single which absolutely cemented her viability as a solo artist.


Beyonce feat. Jay-Z - Crazy In Love
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I defy anyone to declare that this track is anything other than amazing. Jay Z, of course, turned up to lend his future wife a helping hand with the whole thing, despite never once removing that ludicrous hat :(

Jay Z has a bit of a reputation for turning up on other people's records and coincidentally making them amazing (c.f. Rihanna's "Umbrella" which, let's face it, is probably the best song of the 2000's if we're being honest). In September 2009, he continued this "collaborative streak" by teaming up with Alicia Keys on the spellbinding "Empire State of Mind (Part 1)"



Sadly, Alicia's forays into the world of the duet, have produced slightly more mixed results. On the one hand you've got the perfectly competent "Gangsta Lovin" tie-in with Eve (who, in contrast to later years, was actually not bad in 2002). On the other, you have this racket with Jack White



Passing over this nightmare as fast as we possibly can, Jack White, as part of the White Stripes covered Dusty Springfield's classic "I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself". The whole thing may have reflected Jack and Meg's deep-seating love for a belting 60s soul vocal, or it may have just all been a cover to have Kate Moss writhe around in her undercrackers. We'll probably never know.

Dusty, however, brings us firmly into the home straight of this tangled web we've weaved (see what we did there?). In 1987, Dusty had gone eighteen years (18!) without a top ten hit. Enter, the Pet Shop Boys, who recruited Dusty to sing on this ABSOLUTE SMASH.



Ignore the miming. This is the only time they ever performed the track "live". Beggers; choosers.

Actually, sorry, before we go any further, can we be permitted a little time to enthuse more about this song? It's actually amazing. And not just for the lines:

At night the people come and go

They talk too fast and walk too slow

Chasing time from hour to hour

I pour the drinks and crush the flowers.

Pop music just doesn't get much better than that.

The Pet Shop Boys, quite frequently, have a midas touch whenever they stick their nose into anyone else's career. If you want evidence just look at Girls Aloud's The Loving Kind and, probably the best song Robbie Williams has ever produced which features Neil Tennant on backing vocals



Again. Amazing.

So there we have it, two of the biggest stars of the early noughties and the "not quite so big stars" of the late noughties linked by that inherent connectivity of the UK pop charts.

Eminem - 50 Cent - Beyonce - Jay Z - Alicia Keys - Jack White - Dusty Springfield - Pet Shop Boys - Robbie Williams

Can we use this vital information to suggest ways in which Eminem and Robbie Williams might be able to revitalise their careers. We suggest the following measures:

1) Don't release anything which in any way resembles Rudebox (although She's Madonna wasn't that bad)

2) Don't include any raps which ask the questions "Why you so nasty?"

3) Try not to do a comeback performance which reignites all those "drug addiction" rumours:

The end.