Quatres points, peut-être?

So, on Friday night, on The Graham Norton Show, Blue unveiled their stab at this year's Eurovision Song Contest and performed I Can live.

As an immediate reaction, we'd like to point out that Lee's falsetto has absolutely no impact whatsoever when it's literally used from the very first line of the bloody song. Also, whilst we'd love to have full faith in Blue's ability to pull this off live, there's a real possibility of some Jemini-style hilarity on the night.

But let's brush past all of that and try and look at the song on its own merit. Well... it's fair to say that this isn't breaking any new ground. The backing track at the start appears to have been lifted from t.A.t.U's All The Things She Said. The dance routine appears to consist entirely of the band moving only the left side of their bodies, which might not be enough to set the Eurovision stage "on fire". And at no point in the whole thing does Lee feel the need to shut up. That by itself is probably the most irritating part.

And yet... the whole this isn't exactly terrible. Blue aren't exactly reshaping the contours of popular music, admittedly, but if this is the start of a renaissance for the band, then they could do worse than putting something out which is unmistakably a "Blue" song, which this is. Vocally, the whole thing really benefits from Simon's deeper tones to give it a bit of meat - paarticularly in the chorus. And the chorus is, as it goes, fairly catchy. 

But anyone expecting this to be the saviour of British Eurovision hopes is probably going to be disappointed. It's pleasant enough, and it's certainly better than some of the monstrosities we've put forward in previous years (c.f. Dubovie, J., That Sounds Good To Me - which we may have deemed an absolute shower of crap once or twice), but there doesn't seem to be an awful lot here which is going to compel viewers across Europe to pick up their phones and vote. Our prediction? It'll do OK, pick up some decent points (we actually think it'll do alright in the notoriously difficult-to-crack Eastern bloc, for instance) and ultimately stagger in respectively mid-table. I'm thinking somewhere around 10th, perhaps, if stars align on the night.

Provided Lee doesn't fuck it all up. Because let's face it, if he does, he's on every bloody line.

In May, we can all Breathe Easy

We've just woken up to the exciting news that a re-formed Blue will be representing the United Kingdom at this year's Eurovision Song Contest.

This is excellent news for two reasons. Firstly, it ensures that we have an act representing us which carries some name value in Europe (well, Western Europe at least - their biggest Europe-wide hit was Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word). Secondly, it by-passes the usual "Your Country Needs You" gubbins where the whole thing is handed over to "the public" and we end up with songs like this having the hopes of the UK pinned upon it.

There are a couple of things we'd like Blue to bear in mind vis a vis their entry I Can.

1. We'd like everyone involved to realise that if this project isn't anything other than a flagrant early-2000s throwback, then the whole thing is doomed to failure. Now isn't the time to be breaking out the extensive auto-tune, calling up Tinie Tempah for a rap or to suddenly reveal any long-time felt Dubstep influences
2. If there's a choice to be had between full on Power Ballad or up-tempo optimistic pop, then opt for the latter. Malta and any number of Eastern European nations will have the emotive, arm-waving power ballad market sewn up and no amount of warbling from Lee or Antony Costa giving it 100% on the backing vocals is going to be able to save us there.
3. If Blue simply must go the Power Ballad route, then it needs to be at least 85% as brilliant as this.

Anything less will be viewed as a disappointment and Lee, Anthony, Simon and Duncan may never be allowed to cross back into the border again.

These caveats aside, there is an awful lot of potentially aamazing pop that can come out of all this. I mean, just imagine if you turn on your TV set on at about 8:00pm on the 14th May to hear Blue belting out the 2011-equivalent of One Love...



Or If You Come Back...



Or All Rise...



Or Fly By II



Actually. No. Not Fly By II. That simply won't do. But everything else? That would be amazing.

In short, we recommend that if Blue fail to place in at least the top 5 of this year's competition then either a) we secede from the Eurovision Union or b) we permanently exile Messers Costa, Ryan and James. Simon Webbe, of course, has permanent diplomatic immunity by virtue of the bizarrely-brilliant 2005 top 5 hit No Worries. But the others will be in big trouble.

Scissor Sisters, JLS and a couple of other glaring errors

Remember our effusive and searching preview of what The Scissor Sisters album might have in store for us over the summer? Well, the Sisters have lifted the lid on the first single from that campaign, "Fire With Fire". In the absence of a proper video, here's a one nabbed off the Chris Moyles' Breakfast show a recording of it courtesy of the good folks who populate youtube:



We have tried so, so hard to like this song. And, lest we be misunderstood, let us stipulate that we do not dislike "Fire With Fire". In the same way that we didn't dislike "Just Might Tell You Tonight" from Ta-Dah. In fact, lyrically, Fire With Fire picks up that incredible ability of The Scissor Sisters to write heartbreaking and emotionally resonant lyrics in amongst all of the seedy darkness which pervades their work. Lines like "love was just something you found to add to your collection" are definitely on the amazing side of things. But, ultimately, this song does not scream "comeback" or, indeed, hint towards the darker and more underground sound that Jake Shears alluded to when interviewed by Popjustice. In the same way that "Invisible Light" is definitely an album track, despite its obvious amazing qualities, so too "Fire With Fire" should occupy that point on the album where everything becomes a little more introspective. For our money, the only way we can see this catching on is if it really catches the imagination of the festival crowd who use the whole thing as a "singalong album". Otherwise, there's a real danger of this single just being a little too soft an option and thus killing the momentum of the album campaign before it's even got going. As huge Scissor Sisters fans, we sincerely hope that Jake, Ana, Del and Baby Daddy know what they're doing.

Moving on to a slightly different end of the pop spectrum, JLS' new single is seventeen shades of awful, and not just because it references The Sound of Music with the subtlety of a brick with "THIS IS A REFERENCE TO THE SOUND OF MUSIC" scrawled all over it. "The Club Is Alive" sounds a little something like this:



It's all a little bit "Blue" isn't it really? And given they're already confirmed to be reforming, there's probably no need for JLS to be raining on their parade. The problem with this song is that it takes anything which might have been catchy or engaging, and ruins it amongst some ludicrous production. The vocals are fairly typical JLS fare, and the "you could be the DJ, I could be the dancefloor" bit is alright. But it's almost like the record company dragged them in and said "Well, boys, you know how Beat Again, Everybody in Love and One Shot were fairly pleasant efforts which resonated well with our key demographics? Well we need to put something out there which proves beyond a doubt that you've all still got Y chromosomes. So you're all going to warble on about screwing someone in a club. Is that OK?" And they all nodded and lived happily ever after.

As an aside, we also can't abide Julie Andrews. Indeed, in our dim and distant past, we set up a facebook group expressing our dislike for Ms. Andrews. Four years on, and the hate mail still comes flooding in. Good times.

And on one final point, they're re-jigged and thrown a video together for Josh Dubovie's Eurovision entry "That Sounds Good To Me" (the only place where you can see the video is the BBC's website). It was very kind of Pete Waterman to delve into his bag of tricks and throw some outdated production at this godawful effort but it's plain to see that there are some turds you simply can't polish. It still sounds bloody awful.

And that's your lot. Except to say that we've been extremely remiss in stating that it's not all bad news for pop music. Alphabeat's new single "DJ (I Could Be Dancing)" is actually brilliant.



Thank God for that. It's out on 31st May and it would be just swell if y'all could download it and prove that pop hasn't quite eaten itself just yet.

Oh God, my ears.

 
This is what happens, when ANYONE in the UK insists that Pete Waterman has been any good whatsoever since Steps ended.



Ladies and Gentlemen, this is our next entry to Eurovision. If I were the rest of Europe, I'd be finding the fastest way possible to annexe us completely from our own continent.

HAS NOBODY LEARNED A LESSON FROM THIS???!!!